Sometimes we aren’t as charitable as we should be. We are deaf to those who want to be heard, we are quick to make a judgement and we speak out of ego rather than of spirit, becoming unkind and quick tempered. Many, many times I have been like this, where the polarities of who I wanted to be and who I was in that moment were extreme.
It is a journey in every sense of the word and I think part of that journey is being honest with oneself, to look in the mirror and not see what we want to see but really see ourselves for who we are.
It has been one of healing for me that has been years in the making. In the beginning, there was a tremendous amount of pain and I won’t go into it because the past isn’t where I want to live and because time, and people have moved on and we need to honour the fact that people can change and grow, including ourselves. I used to think that healing had a beginning and an end. That, once I spoke to the counsellor, undertook holistic therapies, meditated and engaged mindfulness that I would be fine. Good as gold. Went through the wash and came out clean and new.
What I am realising is that healing is a way of life. It is a lifestyle choice and its a choice we need to make.
There are many parts to my personality that I don’t like. I can be judgemental at times, I can be impatient, I can have expectations of people that may or may not be realistic. I can have a distorted view of the truth because the intensity of my feelings of hurt surpasses objectivity.
It wasn’t a dawning of a realisation, but rather a hard slap across my cheek. No one made me feel anything! I chose to be offended, I chose to get angry and I chose to engage.
So I came to a crossroads.
Was I going to blame people for their behaviour?
Was I going to give accountability beyond who I was?
Was I going to be the victim, expecting people to come to me, to bend around me, to cater to me, forcing them to do what I want?
Was I going to be the person who held the book on self worth, self esteem and righteous justification with one hand whist driving another person into the ground with the other?
And therein folks, lies empowerment and my healing journey. I can add my name to many, many cock ups, tremendous ones too- times where I should have been more compassionate, times where I could have been kinder but I cannot change the past, only embrace the present. My word, people have been nasty to me too, ridicule, besmirching and emotionally abusive – goodness knows they were probably in more pain than I cared to acknowledge, doesn’t excuse their behaviour, of course not, but I know, it’s not mine to own.
So here we are, it’s as honest as it gets. My healing focus is about self. I need to be a better version of myself for myself, for my life partner and children. I’m still a bit too yelly, too impatient, too quick and I still need to foster a deeper compassion. I’m on my way, but the journey has just begun.
I can make a list of what I don’t want, but I prefer to focus on what I do. I want to look at all healing methods, Reiki, Holistic Medicine and Health, further meditation, Asian philosophies and traditions to name a few. My library reserves list grows by the day. I’m a soul in this body, not the other way around. Sometimes we need to move to change our view and perspective.
So here I am, this is me. Fragments of a picture that is coming together but how exciting it is when you realise that you are the master of your destiny and you can choose! Choose who you want to be! Choose what you want to feel! Choose what you want to read, where you want to relax, how you wish to be.
The universe is there for the taking, all we need to do is ask.